Yeah, 100’s not going to happen

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An article entitled something like “Surprising Signs You’ll Live to be 100” caught my eye the other day. After all, who doesn’t want to live to be 100? Well, to be honest, I’m not so sure I do, but I decided to read on just the same to see if any of the surprising signs applied to me and my lifestyle, which I figured would be a surefire mood lifter.

Here are a few of those signs:

You love to work out. Apparently people who have lengthy lives adore getting sweaty more than they love a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. I don’t mind getting sweaty, but I far prefer lying in a hammock reading a book, two activities that seldom work up a sweat.  

You have a relatively flat belly after age 50. Next!  

You skip cola, even diet. I’m a dead woman walking.  

You eat purple food. Does grape jelly count?  

So far, it wasn’t looking like I’d make it to the next Fourth of July, but I plugged on, sure I’d find at least a few questions I could answer in the positive.  

You run 40 minutes a day. Only if I’m being chased daily by a rabid coyote.  

You don’t have a housekeeper. Eureka! Finally, a statement I could answer with an emphatic YES. Reading on, I learned you only earned points if you did the work a housekeeper would do, AKA, cleaning your house. I do clean, but not very energetically or enthusiastically, as the cobwebs over the basement stairs will attest.

You feel 13 years younger than your age. I feel (and act) like I’m still 12 which goes back a LOT further than 13 years. I think I earned those points.  

You’re the life of the party. Well, that depends on who else has been invited. If it’s a party with under five guests and I’ve had a glass or two of wine, possibly. If there are more than seven people in attendance, you can most likely find me hiding in the guest bathroom waiting until it’s time to go home.  

You really like your friends. I didn’t understand that one. Why would you be friends with someone if you didn’t really like them?   

And your friends are healthy. I see. It was a trick two-part question. My friends are more or less in the same boat I am health-wise so it looks like none of us will be having a cake with 100 candles on it.  

You embrace techie trends. No, but I have a son who embraces techie trends and does everything like set up new computers, televisions and phones for his non-techie parents. That most likely doesn’t count, but I don’t care. He still lives with us so I’m claiming it.  

You have a traffic free commute. I’m guessing this statement is referring to the lucky folks who work from home, but since my commute is relatively traffic free, I’m also counting this one in my favor. Good grief, I have to earn SOME points!  

You get your Vitamin D levels tested regularly. I’m lucky if I remember to take my Vitamin D gummy regularly.  Moving on.

Your pulse beats 15 times per 15 seconds. Unless I’m constantly taking my pulse, how would I know? I do know it beats a lot faster when I’m taking a quiz in a health magazine and realize I’d better get my affairs in order much sooner than I anticipated.  

You’re a flourisher. I’m not quite sure what that means, so I guess I could be one. Is it like an embellisher? I’ve been known to embellish stories every so often, so we’ll take this one too.  

You’re religious. Phew! I’m a believer and I have to believe God will take us based on His schedule, not on whether or not we embrace techie trends or hang out with marathon runners. Yes, I know the article is encouraging good health habits, but all it encouraged in me was a sense of impending doom. Time to climb back in that hammock with a diet soda, a grape flavored Vitamin D and the latest issue of People, a magazine that also gives me a sense of impending doom, although for completely different reasons.

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